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If you’ve read this blog for a while, you know that I’m, quite happily, an introvert. I really value being content with long stretches of aloneness and the ability to internally hash things out – two introvert strengths. Lately, though, I’ve been experiencing one of introversion’s downsides.
Introverts’ brains process things differently than extrovert’s brains and being overwhelmed by circumstances or emotions makes our normally slow processing even more sluggish. So during miserable goodbyes or exciting hellos (both of which I have in abundance at the moment!) – my brain is trying to catch up and my facial and emotional expression remains passive as I try to recover lost processing power.
In these situations, I find myself performing by instinct reinforced by things I’ve read or observed from other people. For example, when I’m listening to someone share something highly emotional or personal, I find a tiny part of my brain reciting from a list of ways to be a good listener. “Aaaaand, nod now!” “Say mmhmmm.” “Smile encouragingly.”
This is because introverts tend to sit expressionless as a friend pours out their deepest, darkest heart secrets. This leads people to conclude their introvert friend is a bad or uncaring listener. But it’s not necessarily that the introvert isn’t listening – it’s that their brain is concentrating so hard on what you’re saying, they’re unconscious to the fact they haven’t nodded in understanding for the past ten minutes.
At certain times, I’ve found this slow-brain a good thing. In college, I worked for campus security for two years. I handled several emergency or semi-emergency situations in which there was a rush of adrenaline and fear… thirty minutes after it was all over. During the actual incident, I was calm, cool, and since my own brain was hopelessly frozen, all I could do was rely on the training I’d received (which turned out to be excellent!).
But while slow-brain can make for good emergency-response skills, it isn’t great for normal-life operations like conveying to a friend how much you’re going to miss them (especially when open crying is the expected response), how ecstatic you are to see them, or that you’re attentive to what they’re saying. Sometimes, an introvert friend’s lack of outer expression throws me when I’m on the receiving end of a quiet welcome or stoic goodbye. Many introverts actively avoid direct confrontations because, in the heat of the moment, our brains literally freeze and the right response comes three hours later when we’ve recovered.
While we do tend to be less expressive than extroverts, it’s not that introverts aren’t experiencing the same fear, sadness or joy. They are – it’s just less natural for us to express it openly. Introverts tend to find other ways of communicating themselves – like writing notes or thinking through their responses before the emotional event.
I’m curious – if you’re an introvert, do you experience this slowed-down phenomenon? What do you do to show others what you might not naturally express outwardly?
Have you ever misjudged someone as stoic or unfeeling only to be surprised later by what was on the inside?
glenyss said:
I love it when a fellow iintrovert explains their inner world and lights come on for me! I’ve always been great in an emergency but never understood what you’ve just explained – it makes perfect sense.
I also find I need 24 hours between being asked a question and giving an answer! What I really feel and want to say hits me well after the event. I hate being put on the spot. I know I’m a deeply reflective person but I’ve never quite understood it like that. Thank you for your thoughts.
Sarah K said:
Glad I’m not the only one out there! “Being put on the spot” for me even extends to being asked to pray without a chance to think or being invited over on the spur of the moment!
John Backman said:
You mean I’m not the only one who freezes at the casual spontaneous invitation? Thank GOD. I never connected that with my introversion, but it makes sense: my brain is sorting through the possibilities–including the possibility that I won’t have the energy reserves to deal with these people for more than an hour at a time.
Leanne Shawler said:
oh so that brilliant comeback that comes to mind 8 hours after I should’ve said it is my introversion? I have trained myself to nod and say “mmm” during conversations when I’m listening…
Moria Andretti said:
I read this and think…hmmm. I’m an introvert (I definitely recharge in solitude, not in a crowd). But I do nod my head and say hmmm (on instinct) when in conversations with others. Though…there have been times when I’ve been asked something and time seems to stand between us in an awkward sort of way as I’m thinking. Why can’t I even say, hold on, let me think about it? I am incapable of saying anything. I’d never associated it with being an introvert.
Chelsea said:
I am SOO an introvert! yes! I soooo enjoy people and hanging out with them so I am not a ‘total’ loner hahahahah
I totally experience the slowness phenomenon, too, and smiled at everything you wrote since it is so me! People tell me I am a really great listener, though, because I just smile the whole time they are talking even though they are just mostly verbally processing..so they don’t need me to make a response hahhaha
Sarah K said:
I do think verbal processing is one of my favorite things to listen to because so very little response is required! 🙂
Angela Lounsbury said:
Sarah….I love reading this. For several reasons….I find that the older I get and because of things I have been through I become more and more of an introvert. Your thoughts help me understand myself and understand you and other introverts. I’m so glad you can articulate these things so well.
Adriel said:
Sarah, this was great. I saw myself in bits of this. For example my natural impulse during a deep conversation is to listen intently with wide eyes, an empty face and a silent mouth. I have to remind myself to react and make it obvious to the other person that I’m engaged – although what seems obvious to me is sometimes subtle to them! 🙂
In conflict or decision making conversations, I tend to either say exactly what I think right away (because I’ve already spent my alone time thinking about it) and sometimes overwhelm people, or I’ll sit in stuck silence, knowing I should respond but not sure how – especially if I don’t like what’s happening but can’t yet pinpoint why. Something that’s helped in both situations is giving myself more freedom to be honest and imperfect.
As someone who is also in ministry and leadership (and I’m sure gets into a lot of situations!) I’d love to hear more about how you respond when you need to respond but aren’t yet ready.
Sarah K said:
Hey Adriel, I like your observation that you’ve needed to learn to “give myself more freedom to be honest and imperfect” because there is a large component of perfectionism in my hesitancy as well! I’d love to think through ways I respond when my responses aren’t ready yet and get everyone else here to help brainstorm. Really interesting!
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John S said:
Good post, S. Again, informative and helpful.
I’m wondering… as a non-introvert: is your ‘slow brain’ phenomenon a result of fear of raw emotions? Is that the emotion you experience? Would you say you are afraid of unbridled emotional displays? Or just perhaps feel you’re not ‘good’ at them, and that you could be misunderstood?…and so that’s why you avoid them?
If yes, you are sometimes afraid of showing unfiltered or ‘unpackaged’ emotions, why do you think you feel that way? What is scary or anxiety inducing about it?
As an extrovert I often feel a compelling need to inform others in explicit detail exactly what I am experiencing inside, often in real time and throughout the day (or night!). Actually not telling, or not having the space or interested people to tell, creates tension (or ‘fear’) in me, makes me feel like I’m being disingenuous or like others don’t care. I would say this is one of the biggest reasons why I need to so regularly seek out social activities, particularly ones where I can do the above type of sharing.
Just curious about your or others’ thoughts on this…as I’ve increasingly wondered about the introvert’s possible ‘fear’ of the emotional explicitness experience (EEE)…
Sarah K said:
Interesting thoughts… I’ve been thinking about them since you posted and I’m not entirely sure I’ve come to any conclusions. There’s lots of things that go into “slow brain” in particular and the introvert’s perceived reluctance to express their thoughts/emotions in general (and I am no expert!)…
Slow brain (my title!) is a physical phenomenon. Certain pathways in the brains of introverts are longer than they are in the brains of extroverts. So when I’m asked on-the-spot what I think about a new and previously unconsidered possibility my “I don’t know” means exactly that. My brain has not finished processing the information and I literally do not know what I [will] think or feel. Some introverts I’ve talked to have had experiences when, pressed to give an immediate response, they say something (anything!) and then, later, (or in the middle of giving their response) they realize they don’t actually agree with the opinion they gave. So, yea, ‘slow brain’ might make introverts cautious in expressing themselves in-the-moment.
Beyond that specific phenomenon, I think it depends on the person. It’s true – an introvert may not share their feelings freely because they’ve been misunderstood or rejected in the past and they fear it again in the present. I’m often reluctant to express something because once I myself understand what I feel and think, everyone else seems to have resolved the issue (eg – I tend to start the grieving process “late” and so am going through that cycle after everyone around me has moved on). Also, introverts tend to feel like they need to work out everything internally first before presenting a thought or idea, so we’re rarely comfortable offering up our feelings unless we’ve had time to put them together.
However, in other situations fear or reluctance may have nothing to do with it. Introverts tend not to feel the same need to verbalize their thoughts or opinions in the way extroverts do. We feel perfectly happy with the inner experience and sometimes may not even notice we haven’t let others around us know what’s going on in our inner processes (and we’ll let our extrovert friends do all the expression!). Sometimes, I’ve felt like verbalizing something – especially instantly – takes away from the raw experience itself. It’s not that introverts won’t ever express our feelings – but we may do so later-than-expected (like with a written note) or we might have to be explicitly asked.
Bottom line, I guess, is that we are all more than the sum of our personality profiles. Words can hide just as easily as silence and fear within personal relationships crosses the Myers-Briggs boxes. There are a multitude of reasons why an introvert may not share a thought or emotion – some of them valid, some – like fear – not healthy. A complete answer to this wondering probably depends on the individual person.
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Courtney said:
My boyfriend is an introvert and I am an extrovert. We are dating long distance and we are having trouble reading each other. I get frustrated when he isn’t being expressive and tend to feel unloved. What should we do?
Sarah K said:
Oh Courtney – that is hard. I’m sorry you guys are having these issues, but glad you want to work through them! I’d imagine its even harder to “read” one another or discuss these issues when its long-distance and you don’t get many opportunities to talk them through in-person.
I am far from an expert – in both introvert/extrovert personalities OR relationships – but one thing does come to mind immediately that’s helped in many different, non-dating relationships I’ve had. Both of us have to work towards the “middle” – which means towards the outer edge of our comfort zones. Your boyfriend will have to be open to working on being more expressive, which will feel uncomfortable for him. Meanwhile, you’ll have to work on learning that when he’s being “too” quiet while listening to you – that could be a sign he’s just listening very intensely, the opposite of an unloving response. This will be uncomfortable for you. I think if both of you work towards that far edge of your personalities’ comfort zones, you could find a place where both of you can connect.
Meanwhile, I’m halfway through the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. (She is an expert!) I highly recommend it to both of you as a way to understand the dynamics and influences going on between introverts and extroverts. 🙂
Carol said:
This has been very helpfull for me as I lean to extroversion and the man in my life is an introvert. It is a new experience for me. We are going through a bit of a stressed time as we have been together a little over a month. He has been searching for full time employment to be able to stay in the area. I believe we both have serious caring feelings for each other and this has put our relationship on hold untill he finds out his work status. Time is closing in and he has 2 weeks left to know what his next move will be.
He showed me a very gentle, caring, loving side of himself in the first weeks but has recently “pulled back” those expressions. I atribute this to his concern that he may have to leave.
I have been praying along with others that things would all work out and that we could allow our relationship to blossom. I have also reade alot about being an introvert and I am coming to understand him so much better. I sense a deep sensativity within him. He is very different than anyone I have ever known. I pray I may come to know him even more in future.
Thanks again for the insitefull information.
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