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You love us way too much to give us lesser things // What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Journal entry from October 2010:

Oh God, my God – why are You wrecking me?

Why do you stand far off
Yet suddenly, devastating draw near when I am least ready for You?

Why is your constant love so unpredictable in its faithfulness?

At one turn, your love gives me all that I need
In the next – levels that which I was building.

I know you discipline those you love.
Must you love so furiously?

I sometimes resent You for your faithfulness… because I know You are never the one at fault when our relationship is distant.

You are always the One pulling me from my tedious distractions.
Too often, I’m the one trying to duck away from the light
Because I know it is meant to burn away the dross that covers the new man.

You have a lot to burn away.

Will I ever be refined enough?
On the good days, I long for complete, shining gold to come forth from your fire.

But sometimes, when the smell of the old man’s burnt flesh is so strong that I feel like gagging – I wonder if I could be happy with 60% pure gold – maybe 55%.

In the end, though, You’ll settle for nothing less than the image of Your Son.

And that is why my heart loves You, even when my flesh rebels.
Because You love me – and have always loved me – more and better than I love myself.

You strive with me long after I’ve given up.
You keep working all things for my good, when long ago I would’ve settled for the world’s trash.

You seek my heart when it’s hiding.
You urge it on when it’s tired.

You didn’t just call off hostilities between us – You have called me friend.
A title I will never deserve.

Okay, I come.

Forgive the reluctant steps that drag across the floor.
Burn what needs burning. Prune what needs pruning.

Teach me not to flinch away from your discipline so that when You’ve tried me, I’ll come forth as gold.

Do you see any specks of it yet, Abba?